Questioning your identity can feel isolating and confusing. If you’ve found yourself searching for answers, wondering why your experience of attraction doesn’t seem to match the world around you, you are not alone. Asking “Am I asexual?” is a significant first step in understanding yourself.
Only you can define your identity, but exploring common experiences can provide clarity and validation. This article outlines more than 10 signs and reflective questions to help you on your journey of self-discovery.
First, What Does “Asexual” Mean?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by experiencing little to no sexual attraction to anyone. It’s important to distinguish this from related concepts:
- Sexual Attraction vs. Romantic Attraction: You can desire romantic relationships (be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc.) without feeling sexual pull.
- Sexual Attraction vs. Libido: Libido is a biological drive; it doesn’t need to be directed at another person. Some asexual people have a libido and may masturbate.
- Attraction vs. Action: Some asexual people choose to have sex for various reasons (to please a partner, to have children) without experiencing innate sexual attraction.
With that foundation, here are signs that might indicate you are on the asexual spectrum.
The Signs and Questions to Ask Yourself
1. You Feel Like You’re “Faking It” in Social Situations
- Do you listen to friends discuss crushes, celebrities they find “hot,” or their sex lives and feel like you’re an actor playing a part? Many asexual people learn to mimic the language of attraction to fit in, feeling a sense of detachment from the conversation.
2. The Concept of “Sexual Urgency” is Foreign to You
- Do you find it hard to understand why people go to great lengths, take significant risks, or have their moods drastically altered by a desire for sex? A lack of intrinsic motivation for sexual contact can be a key sign.
3. Your Crushes Feel Different (or Are Non-Existent)
- When you have had a “crush,” did it involve a strong desire to be emotionally close, go on dates, or cuddle, but not a specific desire to have sex with that person? This could point to romantic, not sexual, attraction.
4. You Primarily Experience Aesthetic Attraction
- Do you look at people and think, “They are stunningly beautiful,” in the same way you might admire a breathtaking landscape? You can appreciate a person’s appearance without it triggering any sexual desire.
5. You Could Take or Leave Sex
- Do you feel neutral or indifferent about the act of sex itself? You might participate for a partner’s sake but wouldn’t seek it out for yourself and could easily live a fulfilling life without it.
6. You Feel Confused by Portrayals of Sex in Media
- Do you often fast-forward through sex scenes because you find them boring, unnecessary, or unrelatable? A common ace experience is feeling like the intense focus on sex in movies, books, and TV shows is exaggerated or confusing.
7. The Phrase “I’d Hit That” Makes Literally No Sense to You
- Does the concept of looking at a stranger—or even someone you know—and feeling a desire to have sex with them seem abstract, ridiculous, or completely unappealing?
8. You’ve Questioned if You Have a Medical Condition
- Have you wondered, “Is something wrong with me?” and researched low libido, hormone imbalances, or mental health as an explanation, only to find that they don’t quite fit your lifelong experience?
9. The Idea of Having Sex “To Get It Over With” Resonates
- Have you ever considered having sex just to see what the fuss is about, to feel “normal,” or to stop people from asking questions, rather than from a place of genuine desire?
10. You Feel Relief at the Idea of Not Having to Have Sex
- Does the concept that you might be asexual—and therefore free from the societal expectation to pursue sexual relationships—feel like a weight being lifted off your shoulders?
11. Your Relationships are Centered on Emotional Intimacy
- In your partnerships, is the deepest connection built on conversation, trust, shared interests, and emotional support, with physical intimacy being a secondary or optional component?
12. You Identify with Terms Like Demisexual or Gray-Asexual
- Do you only feel sexual attraction after a deep emotional bond is formed (demisexual)? Or do you experience attraction very rarely, weakly, or only under specific circumstances (gray-ace)? These identities are part of the asexual spectrum.
What To Do Next
Remember, a sign is just a guidepost. You don’t need to relate to all—or even most—of these points to identify as asexual.
- Keep Exploring: Read personal stories on platforms like the Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN), Reddit’s r/asexuality, or asexual TikTok. Hearing others’ stories is incredibly validating.
- Try the Label On: See how it feels to say to yourself, “I am asexual.” Does it bring clarity and peace? If it helps you understand yourself, it’s yours to use.
- Be Patient: Questioning is a journey. Your understanding of yourself may evolve over time, and that’s perfectly okay.
There is no test to pass. If the asexual label feels right for you, then it is right. Your experience is valid, and a community of people who understand awaits.